Karate bears

Presidential election

Two men were stopped by a TV newswoman doing street interviews about the upcoming presidential primary election. “I’m not voting for any of the candidates,” the first man said. “I don’t know any of them.” “I feel the same way,” the second man said. “Only I know them all.”

Christmas tree jump

Man in showroom bed

An Irish tourist has been arrested in Bulgaria after breaking into a furniture store to sleep in a bed for the night because he couldn’t find his hotel.

The tourist was on holiday and lost his way after drinking with pals. The man couldn’t find his hotel and broke into the furniture store. He was woken up the next morning by cops who were called in when staff turned up to find him in one of their showroom beds.

Breathalyzer up ahead

Seven-hundred-ten

A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten. We all looked at each other and another customer asked, “What is a seven-hundred-ten?” She replied, “You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine. I have lost it and need a new one.” She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there. The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked, “Is there a 710 on this car?” She pointed and said, “Of course, it’s right there.”

If you’re not sure what a 710 is, click here.

Dice stacking

Cat baffles owner

A cat baffles his owner by waiting to be collected by car every morning at exactly the same time and place. The cat goes out every night from his owner’s home. The next morning the 12 years old cat can always be found waiting on a pavement 1.5 miles away.

The cat disappeared one day. His owner began telephoning her neighbours to see if anyone had seen him. An elderly women called back to say she had found the cat on the pavement outside her house. The owner collected him but within days he vanished again. The cat turned up in the same place. A routine has now become established. Each morning she takes her son to school before collecting her cat on the way back. She also makes the trip at weekends and during school holidays.

Pirate car

Concerned husband

A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife. He says to the doctor, “Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things.” “Well,” the doctor replied, “go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say something to her. If she doesn’t reply move about 5 feet close and say it again. Keep doing this so that we’ll get an idea about the severity of her deafness”. Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping some vegetables and says, “Honey, what’s for dinner?” He hears no response. He moves about 5 feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves 5 feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, “Honey, what’s for dinner?” She replies, “For the fourth time, vegetable stew!”